| (no subject) |
[Dec. 27th, 2005|04:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pensive | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Working Class Hero" - Marianne Faithfull | ] |
I've been meaning to update this for the past few days. And, being back in Union, I've been reflecting. This means one hell of a long rant.
( Hollis Brown and Bacardi Silver )
( Desolation Row As The Red Sky Drags On )
( Oh Well And Taken To Present )
I lost focus somewhere in this rant, unsurprisingly. With a little more than a month left on break, this will give me plenty of time to reflect. For as much as I miss my friends and Family, I know if I remained on campus just one week more, I would have slipped into a dangerous psychosis. No guarantee this won't happen when I return. This is a state of perpetual reflection; either I find my way in life or let life have its way with me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2005|02:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | pensive | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "I Disappear" - Metallica | ] |
"Hey, hey, hey
Here I go now
Here I go in to new days
Hey, hey, hey
Here I go now
Here I go into new days
I'm pain, I'm hope, I'm suffer
Yeah, hey, hey, hey, yeah
Here I go into new days
Hey, hey, hey
Ain't no mercy, ain't no mercy there for me,
Hey, hey, hey
Ain't no mercy, ain't no mercy there for me,
I'm pain, I'm hope, I'm suffer
Yeah, hey, hey, hey
Ain't no mercy, ain't no mercy there for me
Do you bury me when I'm gone
Do you teach me while I'm here
Just as soon as I belong, then it's time I disappear
Hey, hey, hey
And I went, and I went on down that road
Hey, hey, hey
And I went on, and I went on down that road
I'm pain, I'm hope, I'm suffer
Hey, hey, hey
Yeah and went on, and I went on down that road
Do you bury me when I'm gone
Do you teach me while I'm here
Just as soon as I belong, then it's time I disappear(2x)
(background)
(Just like that
I'm gone, I'm gone oh baby I'm gone
I'm gone, I'm gone babe
I'm gone, I'm gone)
Do you bury me when I'm gone
Do you teach me while I'm here
Just as soon as I belong, then it's time I disappear(2x)"
It's the last day of the fall semester. In about 3 1/2 hours, I'll be on my way back to Union. Of course, this brings mixed feelings. Yeah, Union is still the rotting hellhole I left. But, I do have friends there I want to see. Busy to attend to. Jobs to find. Places to walk to. And all that shit. This semester has been completly schizoid. Incredible highs and devestating lows. Lost some friends along the way, gained many more. Parting is always a major blow, but I NEED to escape campus. For a number of reasons, I need to get away. Assuming I'm back in spring, next semester is crucial. Most of the hinderances from this semester will be gone. And I can finally focus on the fucking schoolwork.
And, no, I'm not sobering myself up.
It may be only a month and a half, but it makes all the difference. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2005|06:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Bullet Ride" - In Flames | ] |
"Do you feel anything at all?
Do you hear steps at the door?
Do you reckon the smell of....?
It's life,the dark that binds you.
Frigthened by your own smell.
Bitternes will run you through.
Silent screaming.
Turning, twisting the alphabet.
Frantic eyes.
Awaiting the answer.
Splinters of a poem.
Fragments of what you used to be.
Habitual and gullible.
Run-down memoirs is all that's left.
Do you wish to sleep?
Do you aim for the shadow?
Do you feel all infected?
It's life-the the dark that binds you.
Frigthened by your own smell
Bitternes will run you through
Silent screaming
Turning, twisting the alphabet
Frantic eyes
Awaiting the answer
Splinters of a poem
Fragments of what you used to be
Habitual and gullible
Run-down memoirs is all that's left
It's the cowardice that pulls you under.
And takes you to the end, where it begins.
Release, the world is waiting on your arrival.
Close your eyes, as we witness another bullet ride.
Do you know about atrocity?
Do you know that everbody's gone?
Do you know that you're on your own?
It's life,the dark that binds you."
Randall's birthday today. Started off the celebration at midnight, everyone got to sleep around 3AM. The real party starts in about another three hours. Should be an interesting night... :-D |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 11th, 2005|05:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  twisted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Riders On The Storm" - The Doors | ] |
"Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Into this house we're born
Into this world we're thrown
Like a dog without a bone
An actor out on loan
Riders on the storm
There's a killer on the road
His brain is squirmin' like a toad
Take a long holiday
Let your children play
If ya give this man a ride
Sweet family will die
Killer on the road, yeah
Girl ya gotta love your man
Girl ya gotta love your man
Take him by the hand
Make him understand
The world on you depends
Our life will never end
Gotta love your man, yeah
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Into this house we're born
Into this world we're thrown
Like a dog without a bone
An actor out on loan
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm"
A bottle of Jaegermeister and a twelve pack of Honey Brown between three heads. All that can be said is Wow...
And phenethylamine |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 6th, 2005|01:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Timekiller" - Project Pitchfork | ] |
"Go away leave me alone
I feel your presence in my mind
the time seems to stop I set you free
you calm my mind you calm my mind
make my dreams come true - baby
every time it seems to me
that fiction and reality melt together for eternity
liquid words dropping down the stairs
filling the emptiness with sense
you and me on the floor floating on our sensibility
You need a timekiller and you don't understand
I am like quicksand lick it from my hand
I am your timekiller I let your mind expand
I am like quicksand lick it from my hand
Tick tock tick tock madness comes tonight
what's reality compared to me
I rest on the bed and I'm sure I slowly get mad
I'm in a state of mind which makes me blind
for the fact that I'm a man
I'm here to stay forever but not today
You need a timekiller and you don't understand
I am like quicksand lick it from my hand
I am your timekiller I let your mind expand
I am like quicksand lick it from my hand
In my heart is no place for you
and in my mind is no space for you
the exit already melted away
and now there's nothing left to say
You need a timekiller and you don't understand
I am like quicksand lick it from my hand
I am your timekiller I let your mind expand
I am like quicksand lick it from my hand"
Yes, it's been over a week since I posted. And, in true fashion, I'm posting drunk off my ass at the moment. Not much has happened. Stayed sober the night I went home, drank the following three nights (soco on thanksgiving, twenty-year-old everclear the next night, aged praline rum the following night). Was going to see Abbe this weekend, things didn't work out, weekend turned out great anyway. Seagram's makes a good whiskey... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 29th, 2005|01:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  infuriated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "You Must Fall" - Mayhem | ] |
"The claws of death await you
Soul less on your deathbed
The witches dance in circles
As your manhood fades away
When the world of glass shatters
A shapeshifter appears before you
Exposing your loathsome self
Life does not forgive weakness
This is all but falseness
You have nothing, you are nothing
I shall reveal your truth
I Am the Ghoul you fear
I Am the psychic truth
I Was There when Satan went"
No day worse than that which your worst fears are confirmed. Repression only goes so far, before you must face up to reality. That you might walk past the person everday. That you may find this person, alone, in an elevator. And that you are bound only by your own fears of reprisal from exacting your revenge upon him? The boundaries of the legal system go only so far. Without any specifics, which would undoubtedly lead to my downfall, vengeances is not too far behind. It may take quite some time to plan, but, in the end, he will fall... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 23rd, 2005|04:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Tuesday's Gone" - Lynyrd Skynyrd | ] |
"Train roll on, on down the line,
Please take me far, away
Now I feel the wind blow outside my door,
Means I'm leaving my woman at home.
Tuesday's gone with the wind.
Well my baby's gone with the wind.
And I don't know oh where I'm going.
I just want to be left alone.
Well, when this train ends I'll try again,
But I'm leaving my woman at home
Tuesday's gone with the wind
Tuesday's gone with the wind
Tuesday's gone with the wind
My baby's gone with the wind.
Train roll on.
Tuesday's gone.
Train roll on many miles from my home,
See, I'm riding my blues away. Yeah.
Tuesday, you see, she had to be free
But somehow I've got to carry on.
Lord And.
Tuesday's gone with the wind
Tuesday's gone with the wind
Tuesday's gone with the wind
My baby's gone with the wind.
Train roll on.
Ahh on.
Cause my baby's gone.
Im riding my blues day.
Train roll on blue.
Ride on train
Ride on train
Ride my blues day.
Goodbye Tuesday
Goodbye Tuesday
Ahh Train."
It's the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and the campus is a ghost town. Even most of the RA's have gone home. Randall left on his cruise last week. Leeat left last night. And, for the night, it was last semester. With people leaving by the hour, it was me, Tina, Bridgette, and TJ. They left early this afternoon. For the past 3 1/2 hours, I've been in my room, packing and sitting around. Yeah, I know it'll only be for three days, but I miss the Family already. Ah well. Should be great to see my friends from back home. Shit, considering I'm home maybe five days out of the semester, I need to see them. Good times coming up... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2005|02:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  high | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Flying High Again" - Ozzy Osbourne | ] |
"Oh no, oh no
Here we go, here we go now
Oh no, oh no
Here we go now
Got a crazy feelin' I don't understand
Gotta get away from here
Feelin' like I shoulda kept my feet on the ground
Waitin' for the sun to appear
Mama's gonna worry
I been a bad, bad boy
No use sayin' sorry
It's something that I enjoy
If you could be inside of me
You'd see, you'd see what light I see
Flyin' high again
I can see through mountains watch me disappear
I can even touch the sky
Swallowing colors of the sound I hear
Am I just a crazy guy? You bet
Mama's gonna worry
I been a bad, bad boy
No use sayin' sorry
It's something that I enjoy
If you could be inside my head
You'd see that black and white is red
Flyin' high again
Flyin' high again
Flyin' high again
Flyin' high again
Come on and join me
Come on and join me
Come on and jion me
Oh no, oh no
Here we go now
Oh no, oh no
Here we go now
Daddy thinks I'm crazy he don't understand
Never saw inside my head
People think I'm lazy but I'm in demand
Never heard a word I said
Mama's gonna worry
I been a bad, bad boy
No use sayin sorry
It's something that I enjoy
Flyin high again"
It's been a fun weekend, to say the least. Realizing that, yes...I will be very fucking depressed during the day with all that's happened in the past week and a half, but Family helps me out with that. Registered for classes last thursday
M-Political Science Methodolgy 10-11:15
T-American Legal History 11:30-12:45, UN:World Politics 2-3:15
W-Intro To Philosophy 8:05-10:35, Intro To Environmental Studies 6-9:20
I've got Leeat in my philosophy class. The two of us in a philosophy class that early in the morning should get interesting. And TJ would undoubtedly crash the class, too. And, to quash any doubt, i'm not sober right now. I haven't had a sober night in around three and a half weeks. Some of this has been fun, some has been bragging rights, and some has been the fact that certain events around here have been far too fucked up to deal with sober. My next goal is to find a way to smuggle Abbe back to campus...
Didn't realize how much i missed drinking until this week. Five shots of Jack on wednesday hit me well. Last night saw 100 Proof Southern Comfort, a 12 pack of Yuengling (both favorites), and a shot of everclear.
Tonight, i tripped for the first time. DXM. Three people slammed three bottles, one a piece. To anyone who has objection with this, I'm well aware that slamming cough syrup is a bad idea. I did not need an experience to tell me that. All things considered, it's been a pleasant experience. The amount of glucose ingested is not a comforting thought, but no negative effects yet. A very nice, slightly dissasociative high that gave me a chance to reflect on a few things. Of course, I would never do this more than once a month, making sure to up my dosage next time. As peyote, DMT, acid, and the ayahuasca herbs are not readily available, it's comforting to know that dxm could, at the right levels, provide a shamanic experience.
If I catch flack for anything I wrote, I won't care. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 10th, 2005|12:58 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | infuriated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "As I Sat Sadly By Her Side" - Nick Cave | ] |
"As I sat sadly by her side
At the window, through the glass
She stroked a kitten in her lap
And we watched the world as it fell past
Softly she spoke these words to me
And with brand new eyes, open wide
We pressed our faces to the glass
As I sat sadly by her side
She said, "Father, mother, sister, brother,
Uncle, aunt, nephew, niece,
Soldier, sailor, physician, labourer,
Actor, scientist, mechanic, priest
Earth and moon and sun and stars
Planets and comets with tails blazing
All are there forever falling
Falling lovely and amazing"
Then she smiled and turned to me
And waited for me to reply
Her hair was falling down her shoulders
As I sat sadly by her side
As I sat sadly by her side
The kitten she did gently pass
Over to me and again we pressed
Our different faces to the glass
"That may be very well", I said
"But watch the one falling in the street
See him gesture to his neighbours
See him trampled beneath their feet
All outward motion connects to nothing
For each is concerned with their immediate need
Witness the man reaching up from the gutter
See the other one stumbling on who can not see"
With trembling hand I turned toward her
And pushed the hair out of her eyes
The kitten jumped back to her lap
As I sat sadly by her side
Then she drew the curtains down
And said, "When will you ever learn
That what happens there beyond the glass
Is simply none of your concern?
God has given you but one heart
You are not a home for the hearts of your brothers
And God does not care for your benevolence
Anymore than he cares for the lack of it in others
Nor does he care for you to sit
At windows in judgement of the world He created
While sorrows pile up around you
Ugly, useless and over-inflated"
At which she turned her head away
Great tears leaping from her eyes
I could not wipe the smile from my face
As I sat sadly by her side"
You have been saved from a viscious, soul-bearing, malevolent rant against this plagued, shit infested, hideous forgotten world by the fact that i'm too drunk to focus my thoughts. If, at any point during the night, i happen to sober up...you have been warned. Nobody could deserve this less than her. This, however, is sadly, just the beginning. It continues downhill from here. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 8th, 2005|07:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Yet Again | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Politician" - Cream | ] |
"Hey now baby, get into my big black car.
Hey now baby, get into my big black car.
I want to just show you what my politics are.
I'm a political man and I practice what I preach.
I'm a political man and I practice what I preach.
So don't deny me baby, not while you're in my reach.
I support the left, though I'm leaning, leaning to the right.
I support the left, though I'm leaning to the right.
But I'm just not there when it's coming to a fight.
Hey now baby, get into my big black car.
Hey now baby, get into my big black car.
I want to just show you what my politics are."
Yes...i'm high right now. Wow. What a shock. I've been ripped everyday since friday. And, being election night, lyrics are quite fitting. Corzine on one end, Forrester on the other. And it's the same fucking candidate either way. Ah ha ha. Corzine's definatly going to win. Just because he has more money than the multi-millionaire Forrester. Meh. Ah..the weekend. Saturday was a night that I shouldn't have remember, but am fucking glad i did. And, once again, all is well. Woo. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2005|02:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | No expression for how high | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Orinoco Flow" - Enya | ] |
"Let me sail, let me sail, let the orinoco flow,
Let me reach, let me beach on the shores of tripoli.
Let me sail, let me sail, let me crash upon your shore,
Let me reach, let me beach far beyond the yellow sea.
From bissau to palau - in the shade of avalon,
From fiji to tiree and the isles of ebony,
From peru to cebu hear the power of babylon,
From bali to cali - far beneath the coral sea.
From the north to the south, ebudae into khartoum,
From the deep sea of clouds to the island of the moon,
Carry me on the waves to the lands I’ve never been,
Carry me on the waves to the lands I’ve never seen.
We can sail, we can sail...
We can steer, we can near with rob dickins at the wheel,
We can sigh, say goodbye ross and his dependencies
We can sail, we can sail..."
Things are transcendent right now. To my head, i've smoked over 2 grams. Between just the three of us, we've gone through 8 grams. Hit six bowls, baked an apple, and hotboxed a car. All in twelve hours. Everything is good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2005|03:13 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Drunk. Very Very Drunk. Woohoo | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Violent Pornography" - System of a Down | ] |
"verybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody fucks,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody sucks,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody cries,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody dies,
It's a non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco
Betcha didn't know, WOO HOO
Non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco
Betcha didn't know, WOO HOO
Non-stop disco
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know
Non-stop disco
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody fucks,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody sucks,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody dies,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody cries,
It's a non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco
Betcha didn't know, WOO HOO
Non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco
Betcha didn't know,WOO HOO
Non-stop disco
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know
Non-stop disco
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know
It's a violent pornography,
Choking chicks and sodomy,
The kinda shit you get on your TV.
It's a violent pornography,
Choking chicks and sodomy,
The kinda shit you get on your TV,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody sucks,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody fucks,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody dies,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody cries,
It's a non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco
Betcha didn't know, WOO HOO
Non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco
Betcha didn't know, WOO HOO
Non-stop disco
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know
Non-stop disco
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know
It's a violent pornography,
Choking chicks and sodomy,
The kinda shit you get on your TV,
It's a violent pornography,
Choking chicks and sodomy,
The kinda shit that's on your TV,
It's a violent pornography,
Choking chicks and sodomy,
The kinda shit that's on your TV,
It's on the TV
Fuck
Turn off your TV,
Can you say "brainwashing"
B, b, b, brainwashing
It's a non-stop disco"
Oh, shit. I am very fucking drunk right now. And, since i've been drinking ber and about 12 shots of rum, i'm neither confessional nor emotional. woo hoo. Halloween was a lot of fun. Would have been better but everyone (present company included) got too fucking wasted. Ah well, the college weekend started tonight. And won't end (for me, at least) until work at 3PM monday afternoon. Woo-hoo. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 31st, 2005|05:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Halloween" - Helloween | ] |
"Masquerade, masquerade,
Grab your mask and don't be late
Get out get out well disguised
Heat and fever in Ihe air tonight
Meet the others at the store,
Knock on other people's door
Trick or treat they have the choice
little ghost's are makin'lotsa noise
But watch out . . beware -
listen . . .take care
In the streets on Halloween
There's something going on
No way to escape the power unknown
In the streets on Halloween
The spirits will arise
Make your choice, it's hell or pardise
Ah - it's Halloween
Ah - it's Halloween..tonight!
Someone's sitting in a field,
Never giving yield
Sltting there with gleaming eyes
Waiting for big punpkin to arise
Bad luck if you get a stone
Like the good oId Charlie Brown
You think Linus could be right
The kids will say it's just a stupid lie
But watch out...beware -
listen...take care
In the streets on Halloween
There's something going on
No way to escape the power unknown
In the streets on Halloween
The spirits will arise
Make your choice, it's hell or pardise
Ah - it's Halloween
Ah - it's Halloween..tonight!
Listen now- we are calling you...
And there's maglc in the air
Magic in the air... on Halloween
Black is the night full of fright
You'II be missing the day
What will be here very soon
Changing your way
A knock at your door
Is it real or is it a dream
On trembling legs you open the door
And you scream. . . . .on Halloween
Darkness
Where am I now
Is there anybody out there
What has happened
Am I in heaven
Or is it hell
I can see a Light comin'
It's comin' nearer
It's shining
It's shining so bright
It's shining on me
I am the one, doom 's in my hands
Now make your choice,
redeemed or enslaved
I'll show you passion ang glory
He Is the snake
I'll give you power and abundance
He's the corrupter of man
Save me from the evil one
Give me strength to carry on
I will fight for all mankind's
deliverance and peace of mind
But watch out...beware -
listen...take care
In the streets on Halloween
There's something going on
No way to escape the power unknown
In the streets on Halloween
The spirits will arise
Make your choice, it's hell or pardise
Ah - it's Halloween
Ah - it's Halloween..tonight!
Yeah, It's Halloween
Yeah, it's Halloween. . .tonight"
Yeah, it's Halloween tonight. I still have to add on to my Crow appearance, but the night's looking very good. Got a midterm in half an hour; spent 2 of the 3 hours at work studying for it. Woo. I'll keep this entry short. Because the details of tonight will be all too fucking blurred not to post. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 30th, 2005|12:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | high | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Hail The Leaf" - Down | ] |
"That brave river, I can't sail.
because of that lone feeling,
that I might fail.
So fuck it.
I just smoke let me feel stoned
6th hour.
I still fail to rise,
and I cower in
reality's eyes, so I just smoke
let me feel stoned
let that paranoia cut
my head off.
I'm low down
crying shame today smoke stoned
I have fallen
scattered the wave
alone I'm crying
broken shade
So I just smoke let me feel stoned
I can't feel you
you can't brave (the river?)
no more sadness no more pain
not what feeds you but what raves
no more sadness no more..."
If the Down song wasn't a clear enough indication, I am high right now. Almost stratospheric. Easily 1/4 gram on top of eight shots of soco. And that I never actually sobered up from last night. Yes...last night's post was drunken rambling. Things are always a lot more complicated than they seem under the influence of large quantities of bourbon. Regardless, I was still worried. My parents are coming up in about 12 hours. I will be quite burnt by then. Perfection. Tomorrow is Devil's Night. I will be partying in Union. Despite the objections of a few friends, I will have to show the select few what it means to party. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 29th, 2005|04:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Very, Very Drunk. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Angel" - Massive Attack | ] |
"You are my angel
Come from way above
To bring me love
Her eyes
She's on the dark side
Neutralize
Every man in sight
To love you, love you, love you ...
You are my angel
Come from way above
To love you, love you, love you ..."
Yep. Easily the drunkest i've ever been. Room's STILL not spinning. So DC doesn't fucking count anymore. I am not a confessional drunk. This would just make everyone too fucking awkward. I've had two shots of soco mixed in an irish coffee, two bottles of labatt, and ten shots of soco mixed with energy drinks. I am fucking wasted, man. It's past five. And i generally don't give a flying fuck. I am worried as all hell about Abbe. She passed out at work and is in the hosptial right now. I miss her alot. I care about her. Alot. I don't think she realizes how much I DO care about her. She entrusted me with information that I will take to the grave. I like her alot. She can actually match my mental state. This is impressive. I need someone to love. And someone to care for. And she knows I'll be there for her. I hope. Holy shit. I can't fucking focus, yet somehow I can fucking type. I really will have to show Union people how to party on sunday. You don't know fucked up until you've partied at Ramapo. Yep. Nikki is hot. But really, I do miss Abbe. I'll look back at this entry as drunken rambling. But, somehow, I'll remember everything. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2005|03:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "I'll Kill You" - X-Japan | ] |
"It's all over with me now
and I'll kill you
you changed me
you drove me mad
you robbed me of my loving, it's you!
still I'm sad that you betrayed me
it's all over with me now
all over with me now
and I'll kill you!
don't let me go unchecked
I've gotta go wild
don't let me go unchecked
I've gotta go wild
don't call it dream or fantasy
nobody knows my soul burned as fire
why my heart was broken so heavy
you might know my love was for you
you know!
oh! go to the grave together
don't let me go unchecked
I've gotta go wild
don't let me go unchecked
I've gotta go wild
I'll kill you (You go to the grave with me)
I'll kill you"
I'm slightly drunk right now. Five shots of jack will do this. I have a midterm in 4 1/2 hours. I do not give a shit. At all. A lot of fun tonight, as you could guess when the Family engages in a game of truth or dare. It just prolongs the inevitable. And it winds up like most other nights. I'm not nearly as drunk as i could be and dont get ANY from anyone. Meh... My own fault, in some way. I grow used to these things. Cant complain TOO much about the night. Alcohol and nudity does have its benefits. And, yes, I am one greedy asshole for seeking something More. No, i don't give a fuck. And i seem to be growing progressivly drunker as this entry goes on. Weird. Ah, yes. Must be the tooth\mind rotting amount of sugar i've consumed today. Meh, one of these nights, i'll have a night turn out like i plan. It's unlikely. But it could happen. Maybe. Should probably get to sleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 25th, 2005|01:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  morose | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Hallelujah" - Nick Cave | ] |
"On the first day of May I took to the road
I'd been staring out the window most of the morning
I'd watched the rain claw at the glass
And a vicious wind blew hard and fast
I should have taken it as a warning
As a warning As a warning
As a warning
I'd given my nurse the weekend off
My meals were ill prepared
My typewriter had turned mute as a tomb
And my piano crouched in the corner of my room
With all its teeth bared
All its teeth bared All its teeth bared
All its teeth bared.
Hallelujah Hallelujah
Hallelujah Hallelujah
I left my house without my coat
Something my nurse would not have allowed
And I took the small roads out of town
And I passed a cow and the cow was brown
And my pyjamas clung to me like a shroud
Like a shroud Like a shroud
Like a shroud
There rose before me a little house
With all hope and dreams kept within
A woman's voice close to my ear
Said, "Why don't you come in here?"
"You looked soaked to the skin"
Soaked to the skin Soaked to the skin
Soaked to the skin
Hallelujah Hallelujah
Hallelujah Hallelujah
I turned to the woman and the woman was young
I extended a hearty salutation
But I knew if my nurse had been here
She would never in a thousand years
Permit me to accept that invitation
Invitation That invitation
That invitation
Now, you might think it wise to risk it all
Throw caution to the reckless wind
But with her hot cocoa and her medication
My nurse had been my one salvation
So I turned back home
I turned back home I turned back home
Singing my song
Hallelujah
The tears are welling in my eyes again
Hallelujah
I need twenty big buckets to catch them in
Hallelujah
And twenty pretty girls to carry
them down
Hallelujah
And twenty deep holes to bury them in
Hallelujah
The tears are welling in my eyes again
Hallelujah
I need twenty big buckets to catch them in
Hallelujah
And twenty pretty girls to carry them down
Hallelujah
And twenty deep holes to bury them in"
This is twice in a row that I have smoked and gotten a bad high. Doubtful that the substance is to blame. It's quality and it's given me some very agreeable times. I'm guessing my mood is the factor. It changes so fucking often that it's hard to pinpoint what exactly is pissing me off at any given moment during the day. Regardless, it's barely past 1 right now. I vow never again to show up to my 830 class tuesdays or fridays either sober or with more than four hours of sleep. Any luck, neither will be an issue, as I have to wake up in 7 hours and I currently have a beer in the fridge. No idea what mood I'll awake in. Or how I'll be for the rest of the day. And I get the impression that I've been bitching about this too often. (Shrug). Never too sure how a night will play out. Could be an interesting week yet. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 23rd, 2005|01:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Sleeping Sun" - Nightwish | ] |
"The sun is sleeping quietly
Once upon a century
Wistful oceans calm and red
Ardent caresses laid to rest
For my dreams I hold my life
For wishes I behold my nights
The truth at the end of time
Losing faith makes a crime
I wish for this night-time
to last for a lifetime
The darkness around me
Shores of a solar sea
Oh how I wish to go down with the sun
Sleeping
Weeping
With you
Sorrow has a human heart
From my god it will depart
I'd sail before a thousand moons
Never finding where to go
Two hundred twenty-two days of light
Will be desired by a night
A moment for the poet's play
Until there's nothing left to say
I wish for this night-time
to last for a lifetime
The darkness around me
Shores of a solar sea
Oh how I wish to go down with the sun
Sleeping
Weeping
With you
I wish for this night-time
to last for a lifetime
The darkness around me
Shores of a solar sea
Oh how I wish to go down with the sun
Sleeping
Weeping
With you"
Nightwish has removed Tarja Turunen from its ranks. This effectivly has put Nightwish out of existence. And I wasn't quite depressed enough today. I have had far too much to process over the last three days to be in anything resembling a cheerful mood. People tell me I drink too much. People tell me I smoke too much. I agree with people. I just do not care. I live my days here on a search for sex, alcohol, drugs, or any combination of the three. Schoolwork and my job come subconsciously. They don't suffer much as a result. Thinking that my strategy of focusing on helping others needs a wider surface area. It's something to do. Something to keep myself occupied. Out to NYC again tomorrow. Weather aside, should be a good day. Very little excites anymore. This will need to be remedied soon. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 20th, 2005|03:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pleased | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "No Quarter" - Led Zeppelin | ] |
"Close the door, put out the light.
No, they won’t be home tonight.
The snow falls hard and don’t you know?
The winds of Thor are blowing cold.
They’re wearing steel that’s bright and true
They carry news that must get through, oooh
They choose the path where no-one goes.
They hold no quarter, they hold no quarter.
Walking side by side with death
The devil mocks their every step
The snow drives back the foot that’s slow
The dogs of doom are howling more
They carry news that must get through
To build a dream for me and you
They choose the path where no-one goes.
They hold no quarter, they ask no quarter.
The pain, the pain without quarter.
They ask no quarter.
Yeah, without quarter, quarter, yeah
The dogs of doom are howling more
I hear the dogs of doom are howling more"
Somehow, my ridiculously late night\early morning entries are never as interesting sober as they are when i'm on the influence of...something. Tonight was a fairly standard night. Drugs, sex, and drama. Yes. We generate more drama than an Ibsen play. And manage to be as sober as your average French Symbolist poet. It's all in pursuit of pleasure. I'm learning to temper hedonism with the realization that my body is starting to take wear and tear. Well, that might not be from drugs and alcohol. The stereotype of gymnasts is pretty fucking accurate. It's been about a week since my last post. And, yes, the day after, decadance returned. Strip poker on Friday was about as racuous as things would get. Saturday was a bit more interesting. Trip into NYC, picked up a very nice piece (Ah...Wheezer), a copy of Number of the Beast on vinyl (can't see myself listening to it, but it's a collector's item nonetheless), and a couple of hours spent at Sahara East (hookah bar and amazing Middle Eastern food. would've been the best night's sleep i'd have in awhile, but parents came up sunday). Got high sunday night, met up with Abbe, had some fun. Started getting sick Monday, felt utterly fucked yesterday (yeah, even by my standards). This is the tone for the semester. Work's getting done and my memory hasn't been shot...yet. Haven't been drunk in about 11 days. Will need to remedy that soon. Ah..damn. Still another 10 days until Cassie's party. The wait will be torture. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 13th, 2005|11:50 am] |
"In the tribunal of Heaven and the tribunal of earth, by the permission of God — praised be He — and by the permission of this holy congregation, we hold it lawful to pray with transgressors."
"All personal vows we are likely to make, all personal oaths and pledges we are likely to take between this Yom Kippur and the next Yom Kippur, we publicly renounce. Let them all be relinquished and abandoned, null and void, neither firm nor established. Let our personal vows, pledges and oaths be considered neither vows nor pledges nor oaths."
( Предосторежение ) |
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hate_eternal606's journal