Thorns of Crimson Death

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 09:37:31 GMT

I've been meaning to update this for the past few days. And, being back in Union, I've been reflecting. This means one hell of a long rant.

"Hollis Brown
He lived on the outside of town
Hollis Brown
He lived on the outside of town
With his wife and five children
And his cabin fallin' down

You looked for work and money
And you walked a rugged mile
You looked for work and money
And you walked a rugged mile
Your children are so hungry
That they don't know how to smile

Your baby's eyes look crazy
They're a-tuggin' at your sleeve
Your baby's eyes look crazy
They're a-tuggin' at your sleeve
You walk the floor and wonder why
With every breath you breathe

The rats have got your flour
Bad blood it got your mare
The rats have got your flour
Bad blood it got your mare
If there's anyone that knows
Is there anyone that cares?

You prayed to the Lord above
Oh please send you a friend
You prayed to the Lord above
Oh please send you a friend
Your empty pockets tell yuh
That you ain't a-got no friend

Your babies are crying louder
It's pounding on your brain
Your babies are crying louder now
It's pounding on your brain
Your wife's screams are stabbin' you
T.ike the dirty drivin' rain

Your grass it is turning black
There's no water in your well
Your grass is turning black
There's no water in your well
You spent your last lone dollar
On seven shotgun shells

Way out in the wilderness
A cold coyote calls
Way out in the wilderness
A cold coyote calls
Your eyes fix on the shotgun
That's hangin' on the wall

Your brain is a-bleedin'
And your legs can't seem to stand
Your brain is a-bleedin'
And your legs can't seem to stand
Your eyes fix on the shotgun
That you're holdin' in your hand

There's seven breezes a-blowin'
All around the cabin door
There's seven breezes a-blowin'
All around the cabin door
Seven shots ring out
Like the ocean's pounding roar

There's seven people dead
On a South Dakota farm
There's seven people dead
On a South Dakota farm
Somewhere in the distance
There's seven new people born"

It's about 2:30AM right now. I've got my music and a bottle of diet Pepsi (always diet. Health reasons and all. I get by on 900-1500 calories a day, with 5-6 hours of sleep and much caffiene) with a few shots of Bacardi to keep me company (people drift on and off from AIM). Yes..the semester's finally over. It ended formally on Friday, my last final was that Wednesday. I gave up on the semester sometime back in Novemeber. If you haven't quite been able to tell by the entries I've posted since starting fall semester, the past three and a half months haven't come easy. Nobody is to blame for the fact that I'm potentially failed two classes and had to take an incomplete in a third but myself. Blame alcohol. If you haven't seen the infamous List that the Family up at Ramapo has consumed, here it is:

Twelve 30 packs, Miller Lite
One 30 pack, Miller Genuine Draft
Eleven 12 packs, Yuengling
Three 12 packs, Killian's Red
Two 12 packs, Honey Brown
One 12 pack, Labatt
One 18 pack, Bud Lite
One 6 pack, Red Stripe
Three 40oz, Old English
One 40oz, Steel Reserve
Three bottles Smirnoff vodka
One bottle, Georgy vodka
One bottle, Grey Goose Citron vodka
One bottle, Everclear
Ten bottles, Jack Daniels
One bottle, spiced Jamaican rum
One bottle, Malibu Coconut rum
One bottle, coconut Jamaican rum
Three bottles, Southern Comfort
Three bottles, Southern Comfort 100 proof
Two bottles, Captain Morgan's rum
Two bottles, Jaegermeister
Four bottles, Bacardi Limon
One bottle, Callisto Silver rum
One bottle, Jose Cuervo tequila
One bottle, Jim Beam
One bottle, Johnny Walker Red
One bottle, Seagrams Whiskey
One bottle, Myers Dark rum (only bad experience I've had with alcohol this year)
One bottle, Triple Sec

Granted, this is between an average of six people. That we have gone through the equivalent of 630 beers and 28 gallons of hard liquour might indicate that we have problems with alcohol abuse. That this translates to about 105 beers and 4.5 gallons per person is a sobering (yes, pun is fucking intended thought). Just think of how much more we could have consumed if we hadn't focused our energies and money on pot during the last two months of the semester. Alcohol never got in the way of school work. I got in the way of school work. Started out the semester nominally giving a shit about classes. I had an interesting schedule:
M-American Government. First year prof; sarcastic as hell. Sympathized with the students' desire not to sit in an overheated classroom on a monday night. Let class out early when the Packers played.

T\F-History,Politics,Culture of Japan. Took it as an elective, and because the prof is notoriously apathetic. Left the room seven times during the midterm, coming back to the room with a different costume each time (day after halloween)
History of Rock and Roll. Counts as some gen-ed, class was a complete joke for me. If I got higher than a D, I'd be amazed. This is one of the classes I blew off at the semester's end.
Topics:Terrorism. More or less an intro to terrorism class. Interesting subject matter; refused to do any work for it. Prof gave me the option of taking an incomplete grade for the class.

T-Contemporary Africa. Prof is completly insane; aced the class

W-America's Vietnam Experience. I take pride in acing in the final exam yet likely still failed the class because I chose not to do the term paper.

I had a job this semester. Day after the famed everclear night, I wake up with a hangover, go to my first two classes, cut Terrorism. Run into my GRD (graduate residence director, runs the dorm) and get a job working in the Oak\Maple mailrooms. 2-4 hours a day, five days a week in rooms without windows. I seemed to fit the role nicely. And I drank on the job. Went into work stoned a few times; doesn't look good when you start spacing out in front of your RA. As with everything else, I lost focus in November. Got careless. To the point where they started to hire a replacement over in Maple. End of the month, Residence Life is going ballistic about a missing package, which they misplaced. Figures at Ramapo that I'd be blamed by them for their own fuck-ups. Semester got off to an interesting start. Had a girlfriend for the first few hours I was on campus; that ended around 10-11PM. Shit happens. Got drunk that night, would've gotten drunker but I had four classes the next day. One of the rare times I put school ahead of partying. Auditioned for a band that weekend; didn't work out. First major party of the semester the weekend after; managed to stay relativly sober. September was a pretty crucial month. Met Randall the first day, Abbe on the 15th, Leeat on the 18th, Ali on the 20th.

No point detailing too much the events prior to 10\12. Most of those were covered in my Yom Kippur rant. The events of the semester after would defy logic. But I'm one self-referrential motherfucker. One of the things that stuck out during my AP Psych class junior year was the basic definition of "psychotic": delusion of reference. Well, shit. I've had very distorted perceptions of situations for years. Maybe the events of this past semester weren't as dire as I thought. When you down a quarter bottle of rum in under an hour on an empty stomach just to silence the mocking voice in your head (to be fair, the voice was my own. So, I'm not schizophrenic.), you may very well be completly fucking nuts. October saw me in NYC a few times, got my first pipe (Ah...Wheezer. Where would my lungs be without you?). Speech is never entirely free. Wondering how much of what happened that month I should put in this entry..? Surely, don't want to betray any trusts or confidences. Some people affect you in profound ways without even realizing it. Again..deluded references. Meh.. Ramble on and on. The month ended with the start of the perpetual intoxification. From 10\27 (bottle of Jack and body shots. Fun night) until the end of the semester, there wasn't a night where I was on campus and sober. Yeah, it is a sad state of affairs when you can identify the night's events by what alcohol was consumed or how much weed was smoked. That night, which ended with everyone getting laid but me (not just an exaggeration this time. In a group of six people, three guys and three girls, I still wind up with nothing), was followed by the infamous SoCo night. Randall picked up a handle of 100 Proof SoCo and a 12 of Labatt. Between four heads, half the handle and the twelve pack were gone in the span of a few hours. Seems like everyone got sappy that night. And I seemed to have learned my lesson about making drunken facebook posts. Ask Abbe. Or Nikki. SoCo died the next night, along with a gram of amazing Strawberry Haze. I was wrecked. And went home the next day, so I could party with Cassie (and Jackie) that night. And with November comes a cloud of smoke.

"They're selling postcards of the hanging
They're painting the passports brown
The beauty parlor is filled with sailors
The circus is in town
Here comes the blind commissioner
They've got him in a trance
One hand is tied to the tight-rope walker
The other is in his pants
And the riot squad they're restless
They need somewhere to go
As Lady and I look out tonight
From Desolation Row

Cinderella, she seems so easy
"It takes one to know one," she smiles
And puts her hands in her back pockets
Bette Davis style
And in comes Romeo, he's moaning
"You Belong to Me I Believe"
And someone says," You're in the wrong place, my friend
You better leave"
And the only sound that's left
After the ambulances go
Is Cinderella sweeping up
On Desolation Row

Now the moon is almost hidden
The stars are beginning to hide
The fortunetelling lady
Has even taken all her things inside
All except for Cain and Abel
And the hunchback of Notre Dame
Everybody is making love
Or else expecting rain
And the Good Samaritan, he's dressing
He's getting ready for the show
He's going to the carnival tonight
On Desolation Row

Now Ophelia, she's 'neath the window
For her I feel so afraid
On her twenty-second birthday
She already is an old maid

To her, death is quite romantic
She wears an iron vest
Her profession's her religion
Her sin is her lifelessness
And though her eyes are fixed upon
Noah's great rainbow
She spends her time peeking
Into Desolation Row

Einstein, disguised as Robin Hood
With his memories in a trunk
Passed this way an hour ago
With his friend, a jealous monk
He looked so immaculately frightful
As he bummed a cigarette
Then he went off sniffing drainpipes
And reciting the alphabet
Now you would not think to look at him
But he was famous long ago
For playing the electric violin
On Desolation Row

Dr. Filth, he keeps his world
Inside of a leather cup
But all his sexless patients
They're trying to blow it up
Now his nurse, some local loser
She's in charge of the cyanide hole
And she also keeps the cards that read
"Have Mercy on His Soul"
They all play on penny whistles
You can hear them blow
If you lean your head out far enough
From Desolation Row

Across the street they've nailed the curtains
They're getting ready for the feast
The Phantom of the Opera
A perfect image of a priest
They're spoonfeeding Casanova
To get him to feel more assured
Then they'll kill him with self-confidence
After poisoning him with words

And the Phantom's shouting to skinny girls
"Get Outa Here If You Don't Know
Casanova is just being punished for going
To Desolation Row"

Now at midnight all the agents
And the superhuman crew
Come out and round up everyone
That knows more than they do
Then they bring them to the factory
Where the heart-attack machine
Is strapped across their shoulders
And then the kerosene
Is brought down from the castles
By insurance men who go
Check to see that nobody is escaping
To Desolation Row

Praise be to Nero's Neptune
The Titanic sails at dawn
And everybody's shouting
"Which Side Are You On?"
And Ezra Pound and T. S. Eliot
Fighting in the captain's tower
While calypso singers laugh at them
And fishermen hold flowers
Between the windows of the sea
Where lovely mermaids flow
And nobody has to think too much
About Desolation Row

Yes, I received your letter yesterday
(About the time the door knob broke)
When you asked how I was doing
Was that some kind of joke?
All these people that you mention
Yes, I know them, they're quite lame
I had to rearrange their faces
And give them all another name
Right now I can't read too good
Don't send me no more letters no
Not unless you mail them
From Desolation Row"

It's about 3:45AM. I am certain I'm a fucking insomniac. Take last night for example. Didn't get to bed until after 5. Think I finally got to sleep sometime around 6. Meh.. any luck the rum will take effect. November was the turning point, so to speak. Smoked a bit for the first few days. Wasn't until 11\5 that we all began the smokeout that would last through the end of the semester. Started the day off buying an 1\8.Wound up smoking continously from noon until about 2AM. Took at least 2 grams to my head. Smoked out of apple, boxed out a car, and lost a friend. This is Sam. Sam acting as Sam acts. Met up with him en route to meeting up with Abbe and her friend. Sam stormed out of her room after the conversation turned to smoking. Doubt he was overly offended by the topic of conversation. Think he was threatned by me being there. Certainly NO complaints about how that night turned out. I somehow find my way out of Pine and back to Oak. Sun was just starting to rise; air was completly fogged over (and, no, this was not just my vision interpreting everything as smoke) and I find a family of deer. Seems I only see deer on campus while stoned. Meh. And everything turned to complete shit on 11\9. I know now I shouldn't have let what happened to her affect me in the way it did. But hindsight is for shit. In the Yom Kippur rant, I made allusions to committed physical torture on someone. I've been wracked with guilt since, knowing that I fucking well should've castrated him at the first sign of the situation. While I don't think she blames me at all, I blame myself partially. The punishment I would've recieved may have been a small price to pay. I've been on an endless skid since.

My mental state was left for shit as the month winded down. By December, I was too depressed\infuriated during the course of the day to do much of anything. Even after the first smoke of the night, my mood would barely lift. Guess I didnt't reach the depths until the 16th. Night before, smoked a great deal, passed out around 4AM in Tina\Bridgette's suite. Woke up feeling more paranoid than I ever had. Didn't want to leave the room. Went to lunch with everyone, kept looking over my shoulder, not looking anyone directly in the eye. Couldnt stop shaking at work, vision blurred (as it had for most of the month), mind wandered towards thoughts of murder, torture, grief, and despair. When I got back to my room, the voice in my head was so strong I didnt think I could leave the room to trek to the Overlook for the night without a few shots of Myers. Those few shots turned into the remainder of the bottle (little over a quarter, about 12-14 shots), on an empty stomach in a short period of time. Stumbled my way over, barely functioning. Tried smoking, took a hit, couldnt lift the piece after that. Got sick, passed out in Tina\Bridgette's suite around 930. Woke up around 6AM still drunk. Not that the rest of the semester was a great improvement, but the paranoia subsided.

"I can’t help about the shape I’m in
I can’t sing, I ain’t pretty and my legs are thin
But don’t ask me what I think of you
I might not give the answer that you want me to

Oh well

Now, when I talked to God I knew he’d understand
He said, stick by my side and I’ll be your guiding hand
But don’t ask me what I think of you
I might not give the answer that you want me to

Oh well"

Half an hour since the last cut. When I was walking home today along Liberty Ave, the sky turned a stark, cloudy dark blue. Winds kicked up And I started to think. I am prone to getting lost in thought. Some people will ponder for a minute or two. Given the chance, I'll slip into a semi-conscious trance, so absorbed in my thoughts that my vision begins to fade, shifting to either black or red, depending on my mood. Vision began to blur as I walked along the trampled grass, strewn with empty bottles of beer and liquor. I came to the realization: I am a wanderer; a vagabond. And I guess I always have been. I've never been able to stick to a goal, or even an interest that can be transformed into a viable career. I entered college as a political science major. I still am. And I'm still quite interested in politics. Granted, my views have changed from being near-socialist to an ideology I term Social Libertarianism. It's my belief that government should provide the people with free healthcare and education, leaving the people to decide their own destiny for all that remains. Still, I wander without a goal. I guess talking in great deal to Abbe has put my life into perspective. And I'm very fucking aware how confused and deluded this sounds. I realize that, especially after how badly I fucked up this past semester, a career in politics is a dead end. I simply can't find much of a desire for much else. I waste more time than I thought humanly possible. I am well aware that I am intelligent. I know I have great potential that I am squandering. I cant focus my energies or my thoughts into something constructive. If I'm still at Ramapo in Fall 2006 (highly unlikely) and can't formulate a career plan, I will disintigrate. Nothing more to say, I will fall apart. I can't focus my powers into anything useful. Next semester, my focus must be on school work. No questions. No excuses. No bitching. If by the end of summer I haven't found a path, haven't found a purpose in life other than to fall asleep each night at school either drunk or stoned, I just may have to kill myself. In Union, of course. I've made a vow to myself that I will die here. I've known this for a few years. I may escape for an extended period of time, but I will eventually die in Union. Either by causes natural or not or by my own hand, I will die here.

I lost focus somewhere in this rant, unsurprisingly. With a little more than a month left on break, this will give me plenty of time to reflect. For as much as I miss my friends and Family, I know if I remained on campus just one week more, I would have slipped into a dangerous psychosis. No guarantee this won't happen when I return. This is a state of perpetual reflection; either I find my way in life or let life have its way with me.

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 19:47:16 GMT

"Hey, hey, hey
Here I go now
Here I go in to new days
Hey, hey, hey
Here I go now
Here I go into new days
I'm pain, I'm hope, I'm suffer
Yeah, hey, hey, hey, yeah
Here I go into new days

Hey, hey, hey
Ain't no mercy, ain't no mercy there for me,
Hey, hey, hey
Ain't no mercy, ain't no mercy there for me,
I'm pain, I'm hope, I'm suffer
Yeah, hey, hey, hey
Ain't no mercy, ain't no mercy there for me

Do you bury me when I'm gone
Do you teach me while I'm here
Just as soon as I belong, then it's time I disappear

Hey, hey, hey
And I went, and I went on down that road
Hey, hey, hey
And I went on, and I went on down that road
I'm pain, I'm hope, I'm suffer
Hey, hey, hey
Yeah and went on, and I went on down that road

Do you bury me when I'm gone
Do you teach me while I'm here
Just as soon as I belong, then it's time I disappear(2x)

(background)
(Just like that
I'm gone, I'm gone oh baby I'm gone
I'm gone, I'm gone babe
I'm gone, I'm gone)

Do you bury me when I'm gone
Do you teach me while I'm here
Just as soon as I belong, then it's time I disappear(2x)"

It's the last day of the fall semester. In about 3 1/2 hours, I'll be on my way back to Union. Of course, this brings mixed feelings. Yeah, Union is still the rotting hellhole I left. But, I do have friends there I want to see. Busy to attend to. Jobs to find. Places to walk to. And all that shit. This semester has been completly schizoid. Incredible highs and devestating lows. Lost some friends along the way, gained many more. Parting is always a major blow, but I NEED to escape campus. For a number of reasons, I need to get away. Assuming I'm back in spring, next semester is crucial. Most of the hinderances from this semester will be gone. And I can finally focus on the fucking schoolwork.

And, no, I'm not sobering myself up.

It may be only a month and a half, but it makes all the difference.

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 23:06:29 GMT

"Do you feel anything at all?
Do you hear steps at the door?
Do you reckon the smell of....?
It's life,the dark that binds you.

Frigthened by your own smell.
Bitternes will run you through.

Silent screaming.
Turning, twisting the alphabet.
Frantic eyes.
Awaiting the answer.
Splinters of a poem.
Fragments of what you used to be.
Habitual and gullible.
Run-down memoirs is all that's left.

Do you wish to sleep?
Do you aim for the shadow?
Do you feel all infected?
It's life-the the dark that binds you.

Frigthened by your own smell
Bitternes will run you through

Silent screaming
Turning, twisting the alphabet
Frantic eyes
Awaiting the answer
Splinters of a poem
Fragments of what you used to be
Habitual and gullible
Run-down memoirs is all that's left

It's the cowardice that pulls you under.
And takes you to the end, where it begins.
Release, the world is waiting on your arrival.
Close your eyes, as we witness another bullet ride.

Do you know about atrocity?
Do you know that everbody's gone?
Do you know that you're on your own?
It's life,the dark that binds you."

Randall's birthday today. Started off the celebration at midnight, everyone got to sleep around 3AM. The real party starts in about another three hours. Should be an interesting night... :-D

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 10:24:45 GMT

"Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Into this house we're born
Into this world we're thrown
Like a dog without a bone
An actor out on loan
Riders on the storm
There's a killer on the road
His brain is squirmin' like a toad
Take a long holiday
Let your children play
If ya give this man a ride
Sweet family will die
Killer on the road, yeah
Girl ya gotta love your man
Girl ya gotta love your man
Take him by the hand
Make him understand
The world on you depends
Our life will never end
Gotta love your man, yeah
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Into this house we're born
Into this world we're thrown
Like a dog without a bone
An actor out on loan
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm"

A bottle of Jaegermeister and a twelve pack of Honey Brown between three heads. All that can be said is Wow...

And phenethylamine

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 06:58:57 GMT

"Go away leave me alone
I feel your presence in my mind
the time seems to stop I set you free
you calm my mind you calm my mind
make my dreams come true - baby
every time it seems to me
that fiction and reality melt together for eternity
liquid words dropping down the stairs
filling the emptiness with sense
you and me on the floor floating on our sensibility

You need a timekiller and you don't understand
I am like quicksand lick it from my hand
I am your timekiller I let your mind expand
I am like quicksand lick it from my hand

Tick tock tick tock madness comes tonight
what's reality compared to me
I rest on the bed and I'm sure I slowly get mad
I'm in a state of mind which makes me blind
for the fact that I'm a man
I'm here to stay forever but not today

You need a timekiller and you don't understand
I am like quicksand lick it from my hand
I am your timekiller I let your mind expand
I am like quicksand lick it from my hand

In my heart is no place for you
and in my mind is no space for you
the exit already melted away
and now there's nothing left to say

You need a timekiller and you don't understand
I am like quicksand lick it from my hand
I am your timekiller I let your mind expand
I am like quicksand lick it from my hand"

Yes, it's been over a week since I posted. And, in true fashion, I'm posting drunk off my ass at the moment. Not much has happened. Stayed sober the night I went home, drank the following three nights (soco on thanksgiving, twenty-year-old everclear the next night, aged praline rum the following night). Was going to see Abbe this weekend, things didn't work out, weekend turned out great anyway. Seagram's makes a good whiskey...

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 06:56:02 GMT

"The claws of death await you
Soul less on your deathbed
The witches dance in circles
As your manhood fades away
When the world of glass shatters
A shapeshifter appears before you
Exposing your loathsome self
Life does not forgive weakness

This is all but falseness
You have nothing, you are nothing
I shall reveal your truth
I Am the Ghoul you fear
I Am the psychic truth
I Was There when Satan went"

No day worse than that which your worst fears are confirmed. Repression only goes so far, before you must face up to reality. That you might walk past the person everday. That you may find this person, alone, in an elevator. And that you are bound only by your own fears of reprisal from exacting your revenge upon him? The boundaries of the legal system go only so far. Without any specifics, which would undoubtedly lead to my downfall, vengeances is not too far behind. It may take quite some time to plan, but, in the end, he will fall...

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 22:02:26 GMT

"Train roll on, on down the line,
Please take me far, away
Now I feel the wind blow outside my door,
Means I'm leaving my woman at home.
Tuesday's gone with the wind.
Well my baby's gone with the wind.

And I don't know oh where I'm going.
I just want to be left alone.
Well, when this train ends I'll try again,
But I'm leaving my woman at home

Tuesday's gone with the wind
Tuesday's gone with the wind
Tuesday's gone with the wind
My baby's gone with the wind.
Train roll on.
Tuesday's gone.

Train roll on many miles from my home,
See, I'm riding my blues away. Yeah.
Tuesday, you see, she had to be free
But somehow I've got to carry on.
Lord And.

Tuesday's gone with the wind
Tuesday's gone with the wind
Tuesday's gone with the wind
My baby's gone with the wind.

Train roll on.
Ahh on.
Cause my baby's gone.
Im riding my blues day.
Train roll on blue.
Ride on train
Ride on train
Ride my blues day.
Goodbye Tuesday
Goodbye Tuesday
Ahh Train."

It's the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and the campus is a ghost town. Even most of the RA's have gone home. Randall left on his cruise last week. Leeat left last night. And, for the night, it was last semester. With people leaving by the hour, it was me, Tina, Bridgette, and TJ. They left early this afternoon. For the past 3 1/2 hours, I've been in my room, packing and sitting around. Yeah, I know it'll only be for three days, but I miss the Family already. Ah well. Should be great to see my friends from back home. Shit, considering I'm home maybe five days out of the semester, I need to see them. Good times coming up...

Sun, 20 Nov 2005 08:08:43 GMT

"Oh no, oh no
Here we go, here we go now
Oh no, oh no
Here we go now

Got a crazy feelin' I don't understand
Gotta get away from here
Feelin' like I shoulda kept my feet on the ground
Waitin' for the sun to appear

Mama's gonna worry
I been a bad, bad boy
No use sayin' sorry
It's something that I enjoy

If you could be inside of me
You'd see, you'd see what light I see
Flyin' high again

I can see through mountains watch me disappear
I can even touch the sky
Swallowing colors of the sound I hear
Am I just a crazy guy? You bet

Mama's gonna worry
I been a bad, bad boy
No use sayin' sorry
It's something that I enjoy

If you could be inside my head
You'd see that black and white is red

Flyin' high again
Flyin' high again
Flyin' high again
Flyin' high again

Come on and join me
Come on and join me
Come on and jion me

Oh no, oh no
Here we go now
Oh no, oh no
Here we go now

Daddy thinks I'm crazy he don't understand
Never saw inside my head
People think I'm lazy but I'm in demand
Never heard a word I said

Mama's gonna worry
I been a bad, bad boy
No use sayin sorry
It's something that I enjoy

Flyin high again"

It's been a fun weekend, to say the least. Realizing that, yes...I will be very fucking depressed during the day with all that's happened in the past week and a half, but Family helps me out with that. Registered for classes last thursday

M-Political Science Methodolgy 10-11:15
T-American Legal History 11:30-12:45, UN:World Politics 2-3:15
W-Intro To Philosophy 8:05-10:35, Intro To Environmental Studies 6-9:20

I've got Leeat in my philosophy class. The two of us in a philosophy class that early in the morning should get interesting. And TJ would undoubtedly crash the class, too. And, to quash any doubt, i'm not sober right now. I haven't had a sober night in around three and a half weeks. Some of this has been fun, some has been bragging rights, and some has been the fact that certain events around here have been far too fucked up to deal with sober. My next goal is to find a way to smuggle Abbe back to campus...

Didn't realize how much i missed drinking until this week. Five shots of Jack on wednesday hit me well. Last night saw 100 Proof Southern Comfort, a 12 pack of Yuengling (both favorites), and a shot of everclear.

Tonight, i tripped for the first time. DXM. Three people slammed three bottles, one a piece. To anyone who has objection with this, I'm well aware that slamming cough syrup is a bad idea. I did not need an experience to tell me that. All things considered, it's been a pleasant experience. The amount of glucose ingested is not a comforting thought, but no negative effects yet. A very nice, slightly dissasociative high that gave me a chance to reflect on a few things. Of course, I would never do this more than once a month, making sure to up my dosage next time. As peyote, DMT, acid, and the ayahuasca herbs are not readily available, it's comforting to know that dxm could, at the right levels, provide a shamanic experience.

If I catch flack for anything I wrote, I won't care.

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 06:04:31 GMT

"As I sat sadly by her side
At the window, through the glass
She stroked a kitten in her lap
And we watched the world as it fell past
Softly she spoke these words to me
And with brand new eyes, open wide
We pressed our faces to the glass
As I sat sadly by her side

She said, "Father, mother, sister, brother,
Uncle, aunt, nephew, niece,
Soldier, sailor, physician, labourer,
Actor, scientist, mechanic, priest
Earth and moon and sun and stars
Planets and comets with tails blazing
All are there forever falling
Falling lovely and amazing"

Then she smiled and turned to me
And waited for me to reply
Her hair was falling down her shoulders
As I sat sadly by her side

As I sat sadly by her side
The kitten she did gently pass
Over to me and again we pressed
Our different faces to the glass
"That may be very well", I said
"But watch the one falling in the street
See him gesture to his neighbours
See him trampled beneath their feet
All outward motion connects to nothing
For each is concerned with their immediate need
Witness the man reaching up from the gutter
See the other one stumbling on who can not see"

With trembling hand I turned toward her
And pushed the hair out of her eyes
The kitten jumped back to her lap
As I sat sadly by her side

Then she drew the curtains down
And said, "When will you ever learn
That what happens there beyond the glass
Is simply none of your concern?
God has given you but one heart
You are not a home for the hearts of your brothers

And God does not care for your benevolence
Anymore than he cares for the lack of it in others
Nor does he care for you to sit
At windows in judgement of the world He created
While sorrows pile up around you
Ugly, useless and over-inflated"

At which she turned her head away
Great tears leaping from her eyes
I could not wipe the smile from my face
As I sat sadly by her side"

You have been saved from a viscious, soul-bearing, malevolent rant against this plagued, shit infested, hideous forgotten world by the fact that i'm too drunk to focus my thoughts. If, at any point during the night, i happen to sober up...you have been warned. Nobody could deserve this less than her. This, however, is sadly, just the beginning. It continues downhill from here.

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 00:07:16 GMT

"Hey now baby, get into my big black car.
Hey now baby, get into my big black car.
I want to just show you what my politics are.

I'm a political man and I practice what I preach.
I'm a political man and I practice what I preach.
So don't deny me baby, not while you're in my reach.

I support the left, though I'm leaning, leaning to the right.
I support the left, though I'm leaning to the right.
But I'm just not there when it's coming to a fight.

Hey now baby, get into my big black car.
Hey now baby, get into my big black car.
I want to just show you what my politics are."

Yes...i'm high right now. Wow. What a shock. I've been ripped everyday since friday. And, being election night, lyrics are quite fitting. Corzine on one end, Forrester on the other. And it's the same fucking candidate either way. Ah ha ha. Corzine's definatly going to win. Just because he has more money than the multi-millionaire Forrester. Meh. Ah..the weekend. Saturday was a night that I shouldn't have remember, but am fucking glad i did. And, once again, all is well. Woo.

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 07:17:24 GMT

"Let me sail, let me sail, let the orinoco flow,
Let me reach, let me beach on the shores of tripoli.
Let me sail, let me sail, let me crash upon your shore,
Let me reach, let me beach far beyond the yellow sea.

From bissau to palau - in the shade of avalon,
From fiji to tiree and the isles of ebony,
From peru to cebu hear the power of babylon,
From bali to cali - far beneath the coral sea.

From the north to the south, ebudae into khartoum,
From the deep sea of clouds to the island of the moon,
Carry me on the waves to the lands I’ve never been,
Carry me on the waves to the lands I’ve never seen.

We can sail, we can sail...
We can steer, we can near with rob dickins at the wheel,
We can sigh, say goodbye ross and his dependencies
We can sail, we can sail..."

Things are transcendent right now. To my head, i've smoked over 2 grams. Between just the three of us, we've gone through 8 grams. Hit six bowls, baked an apple, and hotboxed a car. All in twelve hours. Everything is good.

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 08:18:26 GMT

"verybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody fucks,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody sucks,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody cries,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody dies,

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco
Betcha didn't know, WOO HOO
Non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco
Betcha didn't know, WOO HOO
Non-stop disco
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know
Non-stop disco
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody fucks,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody sucks,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody dies,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody cries,

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco
Betcha didn't know, WOO HOO
Non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco
Betcha didn't know,WOO HOO
Non-stop disco
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know
Non-stop disco
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know

It's a violent pornography,
Choking chicks and sodomy,
The kinda shit you get on your TV.
It's a violent pornography,
Choking chicks and sodomy,
The kinda shit you get on your TV,

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody sucks,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody fucks,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody dies,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin now,
Everybody, everybody, everybody cries,

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco
Betcha didn't know, WOO HOO
Non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco
Betcha didn't know, WOO HOO
Non-stop disco
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know
Non-stop disco
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know

It's a violent pornography,
Choking chicks and sodomy,
The kinda shit you get on your TV,
It's a violent pornography,
Choking chicks and sodomy,
The kinda shit that's on your TV,
It's a violent pornography,
Choking chicks and sodomy,
The kinda shit that's on your TV,
It's on the TV
Fuck
Turn off your TV,
Can you say "brainwashing"

B, b, b, brainwashing

It's a non-stop disco"

Oh, shit. I am very fucking drunk right now. And, since i've been drinking ber and about 12 shots of rum, i'm neither confessional nor emotional. woo hoo. Halloween was a lot of fun. Would have been better but everyone (present company included) got too fucking wasted. Ah well, the college weekend started tonight. And won't end (for me, at least) until work at 3PM monday afternoon. Woo-hoo.

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 23:02:19 GMT

"Masquerade, masquerade,
Grab your mask and don't be late
Get out get out well disguised
Heat and fever in Ihe air tonight

Meet the others at the store,
Knock on other people's door
Trick or treat they have the choice
little ghost's are makin'lotsa noise

But watch out . . beware -
listen . . .take care

In the streets on Halloween
There's something going on
No way to escape the power unknown
In the streets on Halloween
The spirits will arise
Make your choice, it's hell or pardise
Ah - it's Halloween
Ah - it's Halloween..tonight!

Someone's sitting in a field,
Never giving yield
Sltting there with gleaming eyes
Waiting for big punpkin to arise
Bad luck if you get a stone
Like the good oId Charlie Brown
You think Linus could be right
The kids will say it's just a stupid lie

But watch out...beware -
listen...take care

In the streets on Halloween
There's something going on
No way to escape the power unknown
In the streets on Halloween
The spirits will arise
Make your choice, it's hell or pardise
Ah - it's Halloween
Ah - it's Halloween..tonight!

Listen now- we are calling you...
And there's maglc in the air
Magic in the air... on Halloween

Black is the night full of fright
You'II be missing the day
What will be here very soon
Changing your way
A knock at your door
Is it real or is it a dream
On trembling legs you open the door
And you scream. . . . .on Halloween

Darkness
Where am I now
Is there anybody out there
What has happened
Am I in heaven
Or is it hell

I can see a Light comin'
It's comin' nearer
It's shining
It's shining so bright
It's shining on me

I am the one, doom 's in my hands
Now make your choice,
redeemed or enslaved

I'll show you passion ang glory
He Is the snake
I'll give you power and abundance
He's the corrupter of man

Save me from the evil one
Give me strength to carry on
I will fight for all mankind's
deliverance and peace of mind

But watch out...beware -
listen...take care

In the streets on Halloween
There's something going on
No way to escape the power unknown
In the streets on Halloween
The spirits will arise
Make your choice, it's hell or pardise
Ah - it's Halloween
Ah - it's Halloween..tonight!

Yeah, It's Halloween
Yeah, it's Halloween. . .tonight"

Yeah, it's Halloween tonight. I still have to add on to my Crow appearance, but the night's looking very good. Got a midterm in half an hour; spent 2 of the 3 hours at work studying for it. Woo. I'll keep this entry short. Because the details of tonight will be all too fucking blurred not to post.

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 04:21:28 GMT

"That brave river, I can't sail.
because of that lone feeling,
that I might fail.
So fuck it.
I just smoke let me feel stoned
6th hour.
I still fail to rise,
and I cower in
reality's eyes, so I just smoke
let me feel stoned
let that paranoia cut
my head off.
I'm low down
crying shame today smoke stoned
I have fallen
scattered the wave
alone I'm crying
broken shade
So I just smoke let me feel stoned
I can't feel you
you can't brave (the river?)
no more sadness no more pain
not what feeds you but what raves
no more sadness no more..."

If the Down song wasn't a clear enough indication, I am high right now. Almost stratospheric. Easily 1/4 gram on top of eight shots of soco. And that I never actually sobered up from last night. Yes...last night's post was drunken rambling. Things are always a lot more complicated than they seem under the influence of large quantities of bourbon. Regardless, I was still worried. My parents are coming up in about 12 hours. I will be quite burnt by then. Perfection. Tomorrow is Devil's Night. I will be partying in Union. Despite the objections of a few friends, I will have to show the select few what it means to party.

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 09:09:13 GMT

"You are my angel
Come from way above
To bring me love

Her eyes
She's on the dark side
Neutralize
Every man in sight

To love you, love you, love you ...

You are my angel
Come from way above

To love you, love you, love you ..."

Yep. Easily the drunkest i've ever been. Room's STILL not spinning. So DC doesn't fucking count anymore. I am not a confessional drunk. This would just make everyone too fucking awkward. I've had two shots of soco mixed in an irish coffee, two bottles of labatt, and ten shots of soco mixed with energy drinks. I am fucking wasted, man. It's past five. And i generally don't give a flying fuck. I am worried as all hell about Abbe. She passed out at work and is in the hosptial right now. I miss her alot. I care about her. Alot. I don't think she realizes how much I DO care about her. She entrusted me with information that I will take to the grave. I like her alot. She can actually match my mental state. This is impressive. I need someone to love. And someone to care for. And she knows I'll be there for her. I hope. Holy shit. I can't fucking focus, yet somehow I can fucking type. I really will have to show Union people how to party on sunday. You don't know fucked up until you've partied at Ramapo. Yep. Nikki is hot. But really, I do miss Abbe. I'll look back at this entry as drunken rambling. But, somehow, I'll remember everything.

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 08:00:29 GMT

"It's all over with me now
and I'll kill you
you changed me
you drove me mad
you robbed me of my loving, it's you!
still I'm sad that you betrayed me
it's all over with me now
all over with me now
and I'll kill you!
don't let me go unchecked
I've gotta go wild
don't let me go unchecked
I've gotta go wild
don't call it dream or fantasy
nobody knows my soul burned as fire
why my heart was broken so heavy
you might know my love was for you
you know!
oh! go to the grave together
don't let me go unchecked
I've gotta go wild
don't let me go unchecked
I've gotta go wild
I'll kill you (You go to the grave with me)
I'll kill you"

I'm slightly drunk right now. Five shots of jack will do this. I have a midterm in 4 1/2 hours. I do not give a shit. At all. A lot of fun tonight, as you could guess when the Family engages in a game of truth or dare. It just prolongs the inevitable. And it winds up like most other nights. I'm not nearly as drunk as i could be and dont get ANY from anyone. Meh... My own fault, in some way. I grow used to these things. Cant complain TOO much about the night. Alcohol and nudity does have its benefits. And, yes, I am one greedy asshole for seeking something More. No, i don't give a fuck. And i seem to be growing progressivly drunker as this entry goes on. Weird. Ah, yes. Must be the tooth\mind rotting amount of sugar i've consumed today. Meh, one of these nights, i'll have a night turn out like i plan. It's unlikely. But it could happen. Maybe. Should probably get to sleep.

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 05:12:39 GMT

"On the first day of May I took to the road
I'd been staring out the window most of the morning
I'd watched the rain claw at the glass
And a vicious wind blew hard and fast
I should have taken it as a warning
As a warning As a warning
As a warning

I'd given my nurse the weekend off
My meals were ill prepared
My typewriter had turned mute as a tomb
And my piano crouched in the corner of my room
With all its teeth bared
All its teeth bared All its teeth bared
All its teeth bared.

Hallelujah Hallelujah
Hallelujah Hallelujah

I left my house without my coat
Something my nurse would not have allowed
And I took the small roads out of town
And I passed a cow and the cow was brown
And my pyjamas clung to me like a shroud
Like a shroud Like a shroud
Like a shroud

There rose before me a little house
With all hope and dreams kept within
A woman's voice close to my ear
Said, "Why don't you come in here?"
"You looked soaked to the skin"
Soaked to the skin Soaked to the skin
Soaked to the skin

Hallelujah Hallelujah
Hallelujah Hallelujah

I turned to the woman and the woman was young
I extended a hearty salutation
But I knew if my nurse had been here
She would never in a thousand years
Permit me to accept that invitation
Invitation That invitation
That invitation

Now, you might think it wise to risk it all
Throw caution to the reckless wind
But with her hot cocoa and her medication
My nurse had been my one salvation
So I turned back home
I turned back home I turned back home
Singing my song

Hallelujah
The tears are welling in my eyes again
Hallelujah
I need twenty big buckets to catch them in
Hallelujah
And twenty pretty girls to carry
them down
Hallelujah
And twenty deep holes to bury them in
Hallelujah
The tears are welling in my eyes again
Hallelujah
I need twenty big buckets to catch them in
Hallelujah
And twenty pretty girls to carry them down
Hallelujah
And twenty deep holes to bury them in"

This is twice in a row that I have smoked and gotten a bad high. Doubtful that the substance is to blame. It's quality and it's given me some very agreeable times. I'm guessing my mood is the factor. It changes so fucking often that it's hard to pinpoint what exactly is pissing me off at any given moment during the day. Regardless, it's barely past 1 right now. I vow never again to show up to my 830 class tuesdays or fridays either sober or with more than four hours of sleep. Any luck, neither will be an issue, as I have to wake up in 7 hours and I currently have a beer in the fridge. No idea what mood I'll awake in. Or how I'll be for the rest of the day. And I get the impression that I've been bitching about this too often. (Shrug). Never too sure how a night will play out. Could be an interesting week yet.

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 05:46:48 GMT

"The sun is sleeping quietly
Once upon a century
Wistful oceans calm and red
Ardent caresses laid to rest

For my dreams I hold my life
For wishes I behold my nights
The truth at the end of time
Losing faith makes a crime

I wish for this night-time
to last for a lifetime
The darkness around me
Shores of a solar sea
Oh how I wish to go down with the sun
Sleeping
Weeping
With you

Sorrow has a human heart
From my god it will depart
I'd sail before a thousand moons
Never finding where to go

Two hundred twenty-two days of light
Will be desired by a night
A moment for the poet's play
Until there's nothing left to say

I wish for this night-time
to last for a lifetime
The darkness around me
Shores of a solar sea
Oh how I wish to go down with the sun
Sleeping
Weeping
With you

I wish for this night-time
to last for a lifetime
The darkness around me
Shores of a solar sea
Oh how I wish to go down with the sun
Sleeping
Weeping
With you"

Nightwish has removed Tarja Turunen from its ranks. This effectivly has put Nightwish out of existence. And I wasn't quite depressed enough today. I have had far too much to process over the last three days to be in anything resembling a cheerful mood. People tell me I drink too much. People tell me I smoke too much. I agree with people. I just do not care. I live my days here on a search for sex, alcohol, drugs, or any combination of the three. Schoolwork and my job come subconsciously. They don't suffer much as a result. Thinking that my strategy of focusing on helping others needs a wider surface area. It's something to do. Something to keep myself occupied. Out to NYC again tomorrow. Weather aside, should be a good day. Very little excites anymore. This will need to be remedied soon.

Thu, 20 Oct 2005 07:55:10 GMT

"Close the door, put out the light.
No, they won’t be home tonight.
The snow falls hard and don’t you know?
The winds of Thor are blowing cold.
They’re wearing steel that’s bright and true
They carry news that must get through, oooh
They choose the path where no-one goes.
They hold no quarter, they hold no quarter.
Walking side by side with death
The devil mocks their every step
The snow drives back the foot that’s slow
The dogs of doom are howling more
They carry news that must get through
To build a dream for me and you
They choose the path where no-one goes.
They hold no quarter, they ask no quarter.
The pain, the pain without quarter.
They ask no quarter.
Yeah, without quarter, quarter, yeah
The dogs of doom are howling more
I hear the dogs of doom are howling more"

Somehow, my ridiculously late night\early morning entries are never as interesting sober as they are when i'm on the influence of...something. Tonight was a fairly standard night. Drugs, sex, and drama. Yes. We generate more drama than an Ibsen play. And manage to be as sober as your average French Symbolist poet. It's all in pursuit of pleasure. I'm learning to temper hedonism with the realization that my body is starting to take wear and tear. Well, that might not be from drugs and alcohol. The stereotype of gymnasts is pretty fucking accurate. It's been about a week since my last post. And, yes, the day after, decadance returned. Strip poker on Friday was about as racuous as things would get. Saturday was a bit more interesting. Trip into NYC, picked up a very nice piece (Ah...Wheezer), a copy of Number of the Beast on vinyl (can't see myself listening to it, but it's a collector's item nonetheless), and a couple of hours spent at Sahara East (hookah bar and amazing Middle Eastern food. would've been the best night's sleep i'd have in awhile, but parents came up sunday). Got high sunday night, met up with Abbe, had some fun. Started getting sick Monday, felt utterly fucked yesterday (yeah, even by my standards). This is the tone for the semester. Work's getting done and my memory hasn't been shot...yet. Haven't been drunk in about 11 days. Will need to remedy that soon. Ah..damn. Still another 10 days until Cassie's party. The wait will be torture.

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 15:42:35 GMT

"In the tribunal of Heaven and the tribunal of earth, by the permission of God — praised be He — and by the permission of this holy congregation, we hold it lawful to pray with transgressors."

"All personal vows we are likely to make, all personal oaths and pledges we are likely to take between this Yom Kippur and the next Yom Kippur, we publicly renounce. Let them all be relinquished and abandoned, null and void, neither firm nor established. Let our personal vows, pledges and oaths be considered neither vows nor pledges nor oaths."

It is now 12:30AM, October 13. It is as good a time as any to begin my atonement. Yom Kippur began six hours ago as the sun set, here behind a torrent of rain and wind. By now, most of the campus is flooded. The drainage pipes have long since been submerged. Kameron Pond threatens to overflow and wash out the bridge connecting the Overlook to the rest of the college. It should not have to be mentioned that I am completly sober (not regarding the perpetual flow of alcohol through my bloodstream, I haven't had a drink in over twenty-four hours). As a semi-practicing Jew, this is the most solemn day of the year. I am being judged right now. I must legitmatly repent for my sins. What differs for me is my definition of sin. I claim to adhere to Judaism without moral restraint. By this, I seek to disregard any claim to chastity or "morality" as mentioned in the Torah. Pre-marital sex. Bearing false witness. Honouring of the parents. In my mind, nothing can be considered a sin if it's only victim is oneself. I am a bisexual with a penchant for heavy drinking, smoking pot, and restraining a fairly powerful sex drive. Restraint comes out of respect for those around me. Perhaps it's the school. I was a stoic up until this semester, or, more accuratly, up until October 1. The events of that night need not be refreshed. Stoicism has run its course for me. Hedonism reigns now. Primal instincts abound.

"My shot is genesis and catharsis
Penetratonaut in a cosmology of lust
Suck this subterrenean creature out
and show it proudly to the house of heaven
With one slight wave of my hand
star dissolves
I owe this to the animal inside
and the stiffness that blocks out the daylight
Morphing into primal"

Very little can shock or surprise me anymore. Have I become this jaded of an individual? I don't believe so. Naivity has long since been discarded. Nobody can truthfully claim they've corrupted me. The will was always there, if not necessarily the means. Anything I've done thus far has been a product of my desire, not of external pressue. I can't seem to focus on writing this entry. It will be finished at some point, though. I haven't decided whether or not to break for a movie in between. I've had a desire to watch Magnolia again, yet I also just finished re-reading Requiem for a Dream. In between the last day of Rosh Hashana and tonight's start of Yom Kippur, I was expected to make amends with people I have harmed. In that time period, I feel I have only harmed one. There are people I have, perhaps, neglected a bit. For this,I am sorry. I vowed at the end of last year not to let more friendships die off. And I am trying to uphold that vow. As for the one person I feel I've legimatly harmed (Joe), I should feel more remorse than I do. As he put it, I performed oral sex on his chair. Considering I had sex on a bed probably three feet away from him while he was asleep, he should have been prepared for that shock. He has been asked by us to join in our exploits a few times. He just remains shut in. This is why my remorse for him is fleeting. As for my sins against commonly concieved morals, would you like a list?

I steal from family members (the genetic family. never The Family)
I swiped rum and jack from the hoarde in my house
I've engaged in pre-marital sex at least a hundred times in the past year
I've had sex with a girl knowing she was far too drunk to object (although I doubt she would have, anyway)
I've performed oral sex-on both sexes-within a week's span
I curse in front of small children
I am currently working on a plot to commit physical torture on someone
I smoke a fair amount of pot
I smoke pot within twenty-five feet of a dorm
I lust after certain friends
I share the vision of the Gauntlet (where the Overlook is transformed into an eight floor bordello of sexual excess)
I continue to hold grudges from well over a decade ago
I enjoy S&M
I attempted to form my own religion
I drink. Excessivly. To ridiculous amounts. The List grows on. And on. And on.

There are, of course, many more actions and thoughts that would firmly place me in Hell. The actions above may send my soul to eternal damnation. I don't take pride in much of what I have done. I am beyond Epicurianism. I am a hedonist. I find my pleasure with little regard as to the consequences. Every so often, I will need to repent for this. I probably should have before tonight. Fasting precludes me from indulging in alcohol, drugs, or sex. It has given me an obligation to reflect. So, yes. I am well aware that I have committed legitmatly wicked acts against my fellow people and against the higher power. It should be said that I am not the sanest of individuals. Anyone who has engaged in conversation with me for more than five minutes may have been able to detect this. I have never been diagnosed with anything. If I had to hazard a guess, I would think that I suffer from heavy depression, mild obsessive-compulsive disorder, strong anti-social tendencies, and, when alcohol is not involved, a tendency towards being fairly sociopathic. Some people call me laid back. I refer to myself as being laid back when it suits the situation. You could ask me what I have to be depressed about. I don't experience traumatic events firsthand. I am doomed to this. I have never had a close family member die. I have never lost a friend to death. I have never been assaulted, robbed, arrested, or generally mistreated. Physically, at least. With relationships and the like, I consider myself to be Yossarian. Rejected by one girl three times in eighth grade. Humiliated by a fourteen year old when I was sixteen. Didn't get my first kiss until I was near seventeen, with a girl who would claim that I was mere lust for her. I assume there is something repellant about me that I can't detect. If there is, then I don't particularly care. Some things can't be helped. If I was ever told why I had two girls fall "out of love" with me, I would attempt to rectify the situation. Telling someone that you're falling out of love with them before the relationship ends is an impossibility though. And, over the past few days, I have formulated what I want in the perfect relationship. I am looking for a girl I can have a good conversation with. A girl I can drink with. A girl I can get high with. A girl who can hang out with The Family. A girl I can fool around with, care for, spend at least an hour a day alone with. And not press for anything other than an open relationship. I have learned to live with that. I train myself to live through alot. Tolerance, in all forms, is a great gift. With substances, I am unusually tolerant. It may take four drinks in half an hour to get me fairly buzzed. Within fifteen to twenty minutes after that, though, I am sober again. I have a shocking tolerance for most social situations as well. Given the structure of The Family, one would have to. At any given time, there may be up to six of us in a room. At any given time... I left my room last night around 2:15. Tina wanted someone to stay with her. I started writing this entry again around 10:30. But, at any given time between six of us, four of us may randomly start making out. I am usually amongst the two who will sit back and watch. I don't get pleasure out of it. I am generally not envious, either. None of Dante's Sins enter into my consciousness on a daily basis. Besides the obvious point of not being catholic, or christian, I simply do not care that I commit at least six sins on a daily basis.

Lust-Yes. I am guilty of this. It is human to be lustful. I am well aware that Dante means an excess in any sin is sinful, not necessarily the act itself. But, yes. I am excessivly lustful. Were I not, I would not be able to enjoy Family time. In the past two years, I've had sex with three girls, given oral sex to four girls and one guy, recieved oral sex from three girls and one guy and I am always on a quest for more. Lust should never be confused with romance. I've felt romantic feelings for two girls in this time period. In the end, neither worked out. Thus is life. I am a romantic. I am prepared for these things. I may be devestated for a period, yet I am well aware that such happens.

Gluttony-By gluttony, Dante does not limit the person to overindulgence in food. Intoxicants are included. And, yes, I am a glutton in that regard. Nobody can make a claim otherwise. My health has not been overtly affected by this yet. Until it does, I will remain a glutton. Food wise, I eat strange meals. If I dine at the Atrium, it's likely my meal will be fried. With a diet cola on the side. If I eat at the Birch, it's usually a mix of protein, carbs, and a small salad on the side. Again, with diet cola. I refuse to drink regular soda. There is an appalling amount of sugar in your average soda. Red meat doesn't exist in my diet. I find other means to wreck my heart and poison my liver.

Greed-This is one sin I am sure I commit on a daily basis, though no specific instance comes to mind. When someone can point one out, please tell me.

Sloth-I am a college student. This is to be expected. I procrastinate on schoolwork, laze around on the job, and spend at least 75% of my day sitting around, talking or watching a movie or television. This is a sin I can be proud of

Wrath-No person should live without wrath. I have an excessive amount. I am not easily motivated to express my wrath, yet it is nearly ever-present. Repression is a wonderful thing. Without it, I would have been incarcerated or killed long ago. And here I stand. In recent years, there have been three instances where I came dangerously close to letting wrath hijack sense. Novak. Jessica. And around 2100 of the 2200 kids in my high school. Novak would have been a Family effort. Jessica, I put thought into. Even as to where I would bury (most) of the body. That I would walk behind her on my way home from school with a four inch serrated knife in my hands should give you an indication that I take betrayals quite seriously. And, alas, my grand revenge against Union High never came to fruition. Perhaps it is better that way. The idea of transporting a friend from Indiana, who would have possession of an assault rifle, to exact mass carange on the population of a suburban New Jersey high school may seem absurd. But the months spent planning it were good times. We even had plans to obtain large sums of money, flee to Manhattan, and eventual open a gothic nightclub. Ah, naive youth.

Envy-I've been trying to control this one in recent weeks. Yes, I was envious when Tina slept with Randall the first night. But I got over that fairly quickly. Yes, I was envious when Tina calls me at 1AM telling me she and the others are having an orgy. The rest of that week quickly made up for any jealousy. Yes, I was quite envious when TJ and Leeat started hooking up. For this, I wasn't particularly envious of either of them. I knew it was my own fault for wrecking the situation. I accepted that and moved on. With help from much alcohol, but I moved on. Now that they're together, I am actually happy for them. This (and the fact that I have no murders to my record) is proof that any sin can be conquered.

Pride-When somebody can point out an instance where I have excessive hubris, I will laugh at them for a bit and ask them to think of another instance.

It will be Yom Kippur for another six and a half hours. The fast ends at 7PM. I am rest with the remainder of the day to ponder what else I can atone for. People have been hurt by my words. People have been hurt by my actions. People will likely be hurt by what I have written here. For that, I repent. The holiday comes once a year. I am breaking fast tonight with a decent sized meal, excessive amounts of alcohol, and a quest for sex. Not more than an hour after the day of atonement ends will I start the cycle of sin and wickedness once more. This is how humanity functions. We will only admit to our failures and inadequacies when we are forced to. This may be an exercise in futility. Every so often, though, I must cleanse my mind.

Today, I have been judged. While my fate remains hidden from me, I could take a few guesses.

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 05:55:07 GMT

"ALRIGHT NOW!!
Won't you listen?

When I first met you, didn't realize
I can't forget you, for your suprize
you introduced me, to my mind
And left me wanting, you and your kind

I love you, Oh you know it

My life was empty forever on a down
Until you took me, showed me around
My life is free now, my life is clear
I love you sweet leaf, though you can't hear

Come on now, try it out

Straight people don't know, what your about
They put you down and shut you out
you gave to me a new belief
and soon the world will love you sweet leaf"

Yep. Definatly can't complain about the night. Tina's results came back negative, so we all had to celebrate. In our own way. It's one of those nights where i either can't stop smiling or just choose not to. Ah, well. May there be peace to all and to all a good night.

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 05:27:18 GMT

"Giving our blood
To the doomsday machine
Fighting for ravaged land
A worthless gain
Marching on a dead end road

A violent new disorder
Feeding off mistrust
Forgot what we were fighting for
A worthless aim
A victory stinking of despair

Dead eyes
See no future
Falling from grace
We are coming home

Battalions of hate
Seeking shelter in hell
Bloodstained memories
Will we ever be forgiven
Our twisted fate
Time will tell"

Early night, to be sure. A Fruit Loop with 2 1/2 shots of Bacardi Limon, a shot of vodka, and two Yuenglings in about an hour an a half. And, by my standards, i'm still sober. I also didn't get to sleep until five, partially due to the surreal nature of last night and partially due to the fact that i was trying to fall asleep to the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack. Generally not a good idea. Ah well. I have class in 7 hours, so sleep might be a good idea right now. And i seek annihilation tomorrow night before i begin my day of fasting and atonement. And there is much to seek penance for.

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 07:13:00 GMT

"What's the meaning of this voyage?

To talk in a dream
So many bends and these years we've been together passed

And all this time she was tremendously excited
About everything she saw
Everything we had talked about
Every detail of every moment that had passed

Ready
One, two"

Tonight has been very surreal. The red sky and light drizzle just added to the effect. I've been generally sober all day, recovery from Saturday's blowout. I don't plan on getting trashed tomorrow, either. Tuesday is my last blowout before I will sober up and repent for the truly wicked shit i've done in the past year. Introspection and penance, both badly needed.

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 15:49:36 GMT

"Between dusk and day
Before the sunrise
The city will begin to live its crimes

Millions if you ask
It happens everywhere
Every little corner has its tale

Windows are the eyes
That witness without soul
Watching in the silence what is done

I'm a part of this
Violence is my friend
Walking on the line of life and death

Spirits walk the streets
Siren sounds alone
Screaming out the lyrics of my song

I have no other life
Concrete is my cage
All my desillusions turns to rage

I'm living for the night
Though we have to fear it
Where life is just a game
That you have to win

Living for the night
When death surrounds you on and on
All the time it's near
I'm longing to be free

He even knows my name
He wants no waste of time
I know that killing is his game
And I am the prize

Our footsteps sound alone
I know he's just behind
I feel the panic in our hearts
Beating very loud

I turn my eyes to him
The night is very dark
He's got a knife and I know
Cause I saw the blade

Between the light and shade
Between the night and day
Between my life and death
I only feel the blade

Between dusk and day
Before the sunrise
The city will begin to live its crimes

Millions if you ask
It happens everywhere
Every little corner has its tale

Windows are the eyes
That witness without soul
Watching in the silence what is done

I'm living for the night
Though we have to fear it
Where life is just a game
That you have to win

Living for the night
When death surrounds you on and on
All the time it's near

Living for the night
Though we have to fear it
Where life is just a game
That you have to win

Living for the night
When death surrounds you on and on
All the time it's near"

For a night where I didn't get laid, last night was amazing. It was actually good enough to fuzz out part of my memory and chase away my usual morning pissed off mood. This is the glory of scotch, tequila, beer, pot and the Gauntlet. We are our own fraternity\sorority. And we out-party any organization in the state. According to a Time magazine article, some of our activities can be classified as a mental disorder. And nobody here has a fucking complaint about it.

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 05:17:05 GMT

"Pick up and shake in the wind
Shed your resource and keep it down, trashed
Don't make it right, don't move it in
Put it in the mouth, and swollowed whole
Smashed
(It makes all the sense to me, and could it make all the sense to you? Let
it ride)

Because there ain't no winning in this one right
I try to facilitate, whine in restoration
Blewn

Blow through the prime of life
Numb all the senses down
Project your fear of heights
Onto untravelled ground

Fry and hallucinate, pry and investigate

Blow through the prime of life
Numb all the senses down
Project your fear of heights
Onto untravelled ground

Pitfalls of grief, on all that displayed for the groundout
Prophetically speaking the wilted unformulated"

Yes. This may well be the drunkest i have ever been. The room isn't spinning. And i haven't thrown up...yet. But ten drinks and between a quarter and a half a gram, i am genuinely fucked up right now. Still dealing with what i have to deal with. I am, for the most part, not a confessional drunk. And i'm sure you are all quite fucking pleased with that. There are, of course, things's i direly need to confess. But no amount of alcohol could entice me to reveal the shit in my head. Ah well. I'm dealing with it. And it hasnt torn me apart.